Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Even more funnies!

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous... tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

More one-liners

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect it back.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Words of Wisdom

My friend sent me this e-mail. I can't credit the author because we don't know who it is, but there's some great advice here. Enjoy!

'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.'

1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest
18. Eat right.
19 Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus .'
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30.. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego

33 Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.

'If God is for us, who can be against us?'
(Romans8:31)