Even more funnies!

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous... tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?